


The Stopwatch Saga

by kayliemalinza



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Double Drabble, Drabble, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-19
Updated: 2008-09-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 06:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayliemalinza/pseuds/kayliemalinza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four short pieces connected by a theme. Continuity between the fics varies and is largely interpretive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've Thought About It, and I Still Don't Know.

To be honest, Ianto didn't actually know what else you could do with a stopwatch. He had assumed that even a nonsensical innuendo would work, and trusted his half-smirk and crisp shirt collar to clinch it.

Jack, however. Jack came up with an entire list, subsectioned with titles like "Uses Pertaining to Physical Attributes" (Ianto really did like the little button on the top) and "Aural Advantages" (Jack had a fondness for unusual timbres of rhythm. Apparently he'd dated a dancer from "Stomp.") Jack even insisted on typing the list up properly.

Sometimes, he liked to make Ianto recite it.


	2. Now They've Thought About It, Too.

Ianto was late, apparently, because the Hub was a mess. Gwen cleared off the couch so she could sit and stare longingly at the coffee machine.

"What's this?" she said, finding a packet of papers.

"What is what?" Tosh called from her computer.

"It's a list of things you can do with a stopwatch," Gwen answered.

Tosh's eyes went rounder than usual.

"That's what it says on the title page," Gwen said, all eyebrows. "I'll take a look inside."

"Top secret!" yelled Ianto, appearing suddenly. "That's a special project of mine. Jack's classified it." He took it with an alacrity just this side of rude.

"I'm sorry," said Gwen's big brown apologetic eyes. "It was lying on the couch and I—"

"I was working late," Ianto said, slightly breathless. "Sorry about the mess. I'll have the coffee in a minute."

"Don't hurry on my... account...." Gwen trailed off as Ianto scuttled away. "What can you do with a stopwatch?" she puzzled.

Tosh shrugged. "Maybe it's a code phrase. Something to do with temporal measurements?"

"That must be it," Gwen said solemnly. "But why is it classified?"

 

Ianto stowed the list in Jack's office and ignored the occupant's infuriating smirk.


	3. While We're Doing All This Thinking....

"Ianto!" Jack called out, hefting on his coat. "Where am I meeting the UNIT commander, again?"

Ianto slipped into the room, stylus tapping neatly on his PDA. "There's a nondescript building at the corner of Burnaby and Habershon. I was given the impression that you would be met there and taken to a secret location."

Jack fumbled at his inside-out collar with one hand, the other picking up his marmalade and toast from his desk. "What does the building look like?" he asked, and took a bite.

Ianto looked at him. "It's nondescript, sir," he said.

"It's whaa?" Jack gave up fixing the collar for a moment and brushed away the crumbs that sprinkled liberally from his mouth.

"I have no information on the appearance of the office building," Ianto said. "It defies description. It's—"

"Nondescript. I get it, very funny," Jack interrupted, grinning. "Will I know my contact by the yellow rose pinned to his pocket or something?"

"I believe they will make themselves known to you, sir."

"Right. Hopefully this won't take as long as last time." Jack tackled the collar with both hands and finally defeated it. "Shall we pencil in some Weevil hunting for early evening? Oh, and see if Tosh can take a crack at that secondary rift software again... the lightning storm from last week has me suspicious."

"Very good, sir," Ianto said, tapping away at the PDA as Jack and his coat flapped past. "Oh, Jack?"

"Yeah?" Jack paused in the doorway.

Ianto's brow furrowed just slightly. "There seems to be an item on your to-do list just prior to this meeting. You should probably take care of it."

"Oh?" said Jack. "What's the item?"

"My schedule lists it as 'a bit of snogging.' Now that's very odd." Ianto poked sternly with the stylus.

Jack's smile spread slowly. "I assume if it's on my to-do list, I'm a participant in the 'bit of snogging.' Does it say who I'm supposed to snog?" He sauntered closer.

"It does not, sir." Ianto glanced up. "Perhaps the snogging is nondescript."

"Does that mean it defies description?" Jack grinned.

Ianto smirked. "I wouldn't take it that far, sir. You do have that meeting with UNIT."

"I'd better make this quick, then," Jack said, stepping into Ianto's personal space. He curled his fingers around the PDA and Ianto's hand, pushing them away. "I guess in the interest of time, I'll have to snog the nearest person."

Ianto's eyelids slid half-closed. "Well reasoned, sir," he murmured.

"Thank you," Jack said. He slipped an arm around Ianto's waist and pulled him flush. A faint nuzzle to the cheek, lips brushing—

Ianto pulled back. "Also in the interest of time," he said. "I'll time this, shall I?" He pulled his other hand from his coat pocket, the stopwatch nestled in his fingers. "Twenty seconds should be ample."

"Twenty seconds!" cried Jack.

"Well, if you're going to make your next appointment, " Ianto said without inflection.

It is possible Jack growled.


	4. I Wouldn't Have Thought of That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by [A student video from 1987](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfWnxRNeAHE).

Tosh glanced at Ianto as she held the alien artifact—about the size and shape of a bent coin—above the pan of solution.

"I'll try to dip only half of the artifact, but we may only have one chance to determine how long it takes to change color," she said.

Ianto nodded. "And that amount of time will determine the proportional quantities of elements in the anti-serum. I understand, and I am at the ready." He pulled out the stopwatch, held it in an impressive pose, and winked.

Tosh smiled at him—the half-circle smile that made her look a bit like a puffer fish, without the poisonous spines—and dipped the artifact.

Ianto pressed the button the stopwatch.

"Five seconds, no change," he said.

Tosh was holding the artifact just above the pan, keeping admirably still. Ianto didn't think such precision was necessary, but perhaps Tosh didn't want any of the solution to drip off.

"Ten seconds."

The solution bulged at the bottom of the artifact, threatening to form a drop, but was as still as Tosh; not even a quiver. It showed no sign of changing color yet.

"Fifteen seconds."

Tosh, in fact, was as motionless as a mannequin. Not even her hair was moving, despite the drafty Hub. Ianto glanced around. Gwen was staring at her computer screen, eyebrows creased in thought and her front teeth biting her upper lip.

"Twenty seconds."

Owen was leaning back in his chair to throw something in the rubbish bin.

"Twenty five seconds."

Gwen was still staring. Owen looked dangerously unbalanced, but did not fall.

"Thirty seconds."

The artifact still wasn't changing color.

Ianto looked at his stopwatch.

"Oh God."


End file.
